Summer holiday blues

It’s hard to believe the summer holidays started out so tragically having surgery on day one for a missed miscarriage.

I’ve had a lot of fun since then and made lots of memories with my boy, friends and family.

From days at home building William a playhouse (well, his dad built it) to days out with friends where all of a sudden for one day I looked like world’s greatest mum who’d baked cakes for everyone and had a child who behaved like an absolute angel all day. Let me assure you, the vast majority of days aren’t like that.

I’m sad to be going back to work, not because I don’t want to go back (well, really…?) but because I’ve so loved being at home with William, I’m going to miss him a lot.

September is a busy month with lots of birthdays and we’re going to Peppa Pig World soon too! Good job as William is seriously addicted to the little pink b*tch. With lots of family birthday celebrations, the first few weeks back at school are made that much easier with little things to look forward to.

Then, my wee baby boy turns 2 in October! 😭

I’ve definitely had the summer holiday blues these last few days but if I’m going to keep William in supply of plastic tat and chocolate buttons I’d better get back to work.

Little things

I think I’ve stayed pretty strong over the miscarriage but I’m finding now that the littlest thing can trigger an emotion and take me back to it all.

I think there will always be some emotion attached to it and I know I’ll never forget it and I’ll never get truly “over” it.

Today I saw a 12 week scan of a friend’s baby. I’m very happy for her. But this was the first scan I’d seen since I saw my little dot. I cried with sadness as it took me back there. There in the sonographer’s room as she gave me the bad news. The emotion evoked by seeing the 12 week scan took me by complete surprise. I don’t think it will be the last time I get side swiped.

I have quite a few friends who are pregnant at the moment and I’m happy for each and every one of them. I feel no envy towards them.

I may be ready to try again but it’s not easy. It’s going to be an emotional journey.

Mum friends.

Not too long after finding out I was pregnant I decided I had to find myself some mum friends. None of my friends were pregnant and none of them seemed to be even entertaining the idea of children yet. Only I was daft enough for that.

So in my quest to find some other mums I started pregnancy yoga. After a few sessions I had found some common ground with a few other pregnant ladies and I made it my mission to become their new friend. Sounds a bit sad I know but my God am I glad I did it. With several months of maternity leave staring me in the face I knew I needed them.

It took a little while after William was born to get things going but after the initial chaos and sleepless weeks I slowly started to do things and see my new friends. Sometimes it was seeing each other at a baby class or going to rhyme time. Sometimes it was just meeting for a coffee. But sometimes it meant spending almost the whole day together. Sometimes it was the case that you just needed someone. Someone to talk to, cry on, laugh with. Maternity leave had some very tough days as I’m sure it does for all, but I had a lot of good days too and that was in huge part down to the friends I’d made.

Nearly 2 years on and we’re all back at work. Maternity leave seems a lifetime ago. But, we’ve all kept in touch, we meet up whenever we can. One friend in particular (and if she’s reading this she knows who she is!) I still see an awful lot and I’ll never forget crying at her as we were approaching going back to work saying I really hope we stay friends. So far we have and I think, as with my other friends, we really will be lifelong friends.

I knew for the sake of my sanity, for the sake of my mental health, for the sake of not easily slipping into a state of depression and increased anxiety- I had to make new friends, and some days I had to force myself to get up and go and not take the easy option to stay in. I would never say I had PND but it always lingered in the back of my mind having suffered from anxiety and depression in the past. Anxiety is still a demon I deal with on a daily basis but I can deal with it.

Well this post has taken a bit of a turn! Friends – amazing, wonderful friends! Thank you.

And so it continues

Life after miscarriage.

From here on it’s going to be another big waiting game. The second I get a positive pregnancy test I think I will go from incredibly happy to incredibly anxious very quickly. The chance of having a second miscarriage in a row is slim yet I know 3 people who have had recurrent miscarriages.

I know Graeme and I will be on tenterhooks the whole time, but we’ve already decided we’ll defintely pay to have an 8 week scan which we hope will set our mind at ease somewhat.

Anyway, I’m not pregnant yet. I am delighted to be on my period though! This is the first period I’ve had since I fell pregnant with William! A combination of breastfeeding and a new pill meant I had none after he was born, amazing! I also hadn’t had one before I fell pregnant for the second time. That ended in a missed miscarriage and  although we’ll never know why I just knew it wasn’t right. Good feelings for next time.

Soon, I hope.

 

SMM story

I thought I’d do a follow up post now I’ve had the SMM (Surgical management of miscarriage).

Yesterday was a very long day. We got to hospital just after 10am and then were in for a wait. We tried to make the “best of it”; I binged on downloaded Netflix stuff and Graeme finished a book. It was tedious though and I was glad when things got going. I’d gone through the process of meeting the consultant etc and then it was all change. Another team in theatre finished surprisingly early so things went quickly from there – they got me and the other 2 women down pretty fast. 3.10pm I was on my way to the anaesthetist. I got very scared very quickly. Tearful, anxious, quite frankly terrified. But before I knew it I was having a dream and I woke up in recovery. Graeme said I was gone about an hour and 35 minutes so not too bad.

I was told it all went very well. No ill effects from the anaesthetic and little pain elsewhere. Nothing a few painkillers can’t kill.

We got home about 7.15pm, after a quick McDonald’s drive thru we got home to see William which was the best thing. My mum was in the middle of bedtime stories.

I am generally feeling ok, tearful on and off. So relieved it’s over and we can move forward.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages, it means so much. It has helped me a great deal to talk about it. If anyone wants to ask anything or chat about any of it I’m always here.

xx

1 in 5

Today I learned that I am 1 in that 5 of pregnant women. I discovered a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. Now of course I know how I got pregnant but things just didn’t add up, it got complicated and I had a feeling it wasn’t right. I ended up going to see my GP and he thought the same. I had an early scan at 6 weeks where they discovered the beginnings of a baby but no heartbeat yet. Another scan today at 7 weeks showed that it hadn’t changed at all. That was it.

The emotion that followed was indescribable. After a long wait we finally saw the doctor and I’ve chosen to have an SMM on Monday. It’s hard, it’s very hard and very sad. I know people it’s happened to, nearly everyone does. But you never think it could happen to you. All along I knew this pregnancy just wasn’t right and  I hadn’t let myself get attached to it too much.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the days and weeks to come but for now I’m all out of tears. I’m exhausted. I just want to get Monday over with.

I’m infinitely grateful that I have my gorgeous healthy boy William. Love him more than can possibly ever be imagined.

I’ve written this as the taboo around miscarriage is slowly moving away. If even one person reads this that’s enough. Yes it’s awful, but it’s not uncommon, and it’s never going to go away. Don’t sweep it under the carpet. Talk about it.

 

Not an inconvenience

So I haven’t blogged for somewhere around a year. Nothing came naturally so I left it alone.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I returned to work and have since moved jobs too. We’ve also moved house. To say I’ve been stressed is an understatement. Anxiety has crept up (again) and after months of leaving it I’ve started doing online CBT with Talking Therapies. This isn’t what the post is about though.

William is 1! He’s 16 months. He’s learning something new everyday and this is the best and happiest (thank goodness) William yet.

I could go on about William but I won’t, I want to get to the point of this post:

Feeding.

Shortly before William turned 1 he started to have whole milk during the day. This meant I started to drop feeds and didn’t need to spend my lunchtime pumping milk in an empty meeting room.

I continued to feed him in the evening, through the night and first thing. I still do.

I’ve come across too many people that think this is a problem. Me wanting to feed my child, with my milk, must be an inconvenience. “What if you want a night away?” I don’t. “What if you want to go out for dinner?” I can, after I’ve fed him just before bed. “Can’t he have a bottle?” No, he won’t take it, he did at one stage but it really wasn’t worth the effort.

The upshot of it all is that I LIKE feeding him. I WANT to feed him. It is the most special time. It’s the strongest bond and the strongest love I’ve ever felt. I wouldn’t give it up for anything. It’s NOT an inconvenience, it’s my life, it’s the path I chose from even before I was pregnant.

When the day  comes that I give him a final feed I will be sad, but already he’s learnt to give me the best hugs ever so that will have to do 😊 When that day comes, I’ll likely be feeding number 2! If not, I have years ahead of me (I hope) and I can have all the nights away I want (which I don’t) because above all, I love being with William, and I would just miss him too much! Maybe when he’s 30 I’ll have a night away 😁

🤱🏼

 

 

 

When can we go out again?

Leaving William is something I find very hard but it’s definitely getting easier.

The very first time I left him he was just 2 weeks old and I had to pop across the road to the doctors for a blood test. He was fed, he was sleeping, he was with Daddy – I’ll only be 5 minutes I thought. Turns out my body didn’t want to play giving blood and several attempts and about half an hour later I was finally out. I didn’t really think much about leaving him then. He was mostly sleeping and I was a zombie.

I’ve left him several times since; always with far too much milk, always in tears (me not him) and always with his Daddy. I even made it to the cinema to see La La Land (by the way when is it my turn to be Emma Stone?)

BUT last night, at nearly 20 weeks old, William was left with his Nana and Grandad so we could both go out. We went to see Ladyhawke and it was sooooo good. She was so good, she was amazing, and I spent an hour and 10 minutes gazing at her as I bopped away wishing I could be as cool (and as slim) as her. We went straight home afterwards to a happy sleeping baby boy.

For the first time though I didn’t cry when we left the house, I didn’t cry when we arrived at the gig venue, I didn’t constantly panic and worry about William (I did text a few times though). But for the first time away from him I relaxed and I really enjoyed myself!

When can we go out again?

Not just a cat mum.

Not so long ago the idea of having my own children started to come onto my radar.

So we got a cat. A beautiful black cat from Battersea that we called Luna. She was a 5 month old kitten and she was my baby. I was her mummy and Graeme (my husband) was her daddy.

A few months passed and I absolutely adored Luna which only increased my desire for a real human baby. It was ALL I could think about. So we pretty quickly made the decision that we would start trying. It took just 4 months. Those 4 months felt like a lifetime.  I charted my temperature looking for spikes and dips, I spent (wasted) hours on mum forums reading about what women’s early pregnancy signs and symptoms were. I even found myself once googling “itchy left foot pregnancy symptom” yep, you’ll find some stuff, you can convince yourself that absolutely anything happening to your body could mean you’re pregnant. The only time I really thought “hang on, maybe I’m pregnant” I was out running with 2 friends after school (i’m a teacher). I got a weird cramp that I’d never ever had and it was so uncomfortable I had to stop and walk back to school. A few days later I got my positive test.

Excited, scared, nervous, anxious…mostly excited I showed my husband and we were beside ourselves with happiness. Shit. What do we do now? We told immediate family straight away who were all very very happy for us. It was amazing and exciting and already I look forward to the day I can say “I’m pregnant again.” Yes, I want another one!

After a loooooooooong 9 months a beautiful baby boy was born, William John. Born at 6.46am on the 3rd October 2016,  weighing 7lbs 13oz. And so I became a Mum. Not just a cat mum anymore, a real Mum with a capital M.